Stop, hey, what’s that sound? It’s the sound of a peloton tweeting up a storm, that’s what it is. It’s a new year, I’m feeling revitalised and so Tweets of the Week is BACK for the 2015 season. Others have tried to imitate it but none can better it – it’s the original and still the best, even if I do say so myself. So sit back and relax because we’re going to talk about Adam Hansen, the patron saint of cycling, black as the new black, hair, Heinrich Haussler and the Sacred Haunches.

Training camp blues

Now that Jens has retired, I think we can safely say that Adam Hansen is the undisputed hardman of the peloton. I’ve held on to his training camp tweets from before Christmas to kick off this year’s Tweets …

Black is black is black is black

The unveiling of the new team kits has been happening in earnest over past few weeks and the absence of colour has been quite the trend. First up is MTN-Qhubeka.

Which looks like the shirts that NFL referees wear.

Which looks like Juventus’s strip …

Which looks like an overly boisterous version of the new Giant-Alpecin kit. What sport are we talking about again?

Cannondale-Garmin, however, decided to take their black and make diamonds out of it. Diamonds are forever forever forever.

The mystery of the black has been solved, however.

However, while a lot of teams have been piling on the black, Trek Factory Racing has smartly kept it where it’s needed most (the bibs) and added white where it will be most helpful to commentators and fans alike in picking them out of the peloton – the shoulders and upper chest. Cue picture of the #SacredHaunches. We will have no problem seeing Fabs smack everyone down at Flanders and Roubaix to do the double again this year.

Every silver lining has a dark cloud and the new Trek kit means Carlton Kirby will be calling the riders ‘the White Shoulders’ (at least they’re not golden …). Which, if you know your parfum, you will know is a very famous, very traditional fragrance, often mixed up with White Diamonds, by Elizabeth Taylor. And like Garmin, Liz was fond of diamonds, too. Therefore, she could rightly be called the patron saint of cycling. I’m really stunning you with my free association and tenuous connections, aren’t I? You’ve missed that, haven’t you?!

Even with all the complaints about too much black in the peloton, that didn’t endear Ag2r’s brown shorts with anyone (although I’ve always liked the team’s kit). New signings Jan Bakelants and Johan Vansummeren modelled the slightly revised kit.

You can’t tell so well from this picture, but of course the IAM kit – THE best kit in the peloton (and that’s official) – is a deep navy blue. So sophisticated, so classy and we love love love the touch of humour for the back of the jerseys. Not sure about ‘Heino’ as a nickname – doesn’t really trip off the tongue like Barbie, now does it, but the guys will be really easily identifiable in those overhead shots of a fast and furious peloton during the season. Chapeau, IAM, chapeau!

(BTW, if you didn’t know this, our own Midge loves Jakob Fuglsang and does not take kindly to jibes about his eyebrows. Panache has fallen foul of that on a number of occasions and he still has the scratch marks to prove it. So Conor really was walking on thin ice with his remarks.)

 

The future is green and gold

It is for Barbie – at least for this year – for he just went and won himself the Australian National Champions jersey on Sunday. A win that was roundly applauded at VeloVoices Towers because, well, we’ve always had a soft spot for Mr Haussler. It’s great to see him back. Let’s just run through his victory, shall we?

It really all began last Friday, when CyclingTips posted this interview. We should have put money on him then.  I absolutely love that photograph.

The run-up to the race had some familiar faces.

The favourites were Mick Rogers, Cadel Evans and Richie Porte. IAM Heino was waiting, just like a spider!, for his chance …

Do not get distracted by the lumberjack.

The moment of victory – not only does Haussler ride without gloves, looks like he took the win without a chain too! I think he’s going to give aforementioned Adam Hansen a run for his money as hardman of the peloton.

A few shots of the champ receiving congratulations. He’s looking more and more like an RAF pilot who time-travelled into the 21st century the older he gets. AND he has hair to rival ArgoSunGod, Marcel Kittel (more about him in a mo).

And quite simply the best picture of the whole day …  #IAMCHAMP

The Gruppetto

Magnificent tee-shirt. Only four made. I think we need to petition Mick to get his friend to offer these for sale.

Blimey, that is one sheer skinsuit. (Shield your eyes, Ma!)

And That Boy Phinney as a boy.

Speaking of youngsters …

You know all that stuff about the Russian economy tanking because of sanctions and plummeting oil prices. Is that why they only have one small chair for three riders to sit on? Maybe Oleg spent all the budget on the operation to implant those bright lights into The Velvet Samurai‘s shins. Love GCN’s autocorrect …

In the film of Pozzato’s life, the twitterati believes the role should go to James Flacco Franco. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Fabianese is still going strong and it’s infiltrating another social media channel because My Beloved is now on Instagram!

Remember I said we’d get to ArgoSunGod Marcel Kittel? Did you doubt me? (If you did, you must be a first timer to this column!) Here he is, rocking the Haussler look but BIGGER! Ah, it’s good to be back, kids! Until next week …

 The last word