Tweets: Jens Z Coyote, Pirate Panache and Gorilla teeth

It’s only 12 days away from the start of the Tour de France but the boys were still racing last week, tuning up those engines! We had the Tour de Suisse, the Skoda Tour of Luxembourg and Ster ZLM Toer (which I lazily call The Zed Tour). We also had My Beloved Fabian Cancellara doing an interview over Twitter (in Fabianese, of course), Taylor Phinney shopping for swimming trunks and my brother-from-another-mother, Panache, posing as a pirate. So let’s not dawdle.

The hills are alive

Or at least the inflatable banners were in the Tour de Suisse this week.

I wonder what would have happened if the inflatable had collapsed just as Jens was coming up to it? I suspect it would have been like one of those cartoons where Wile E Coyote leaves a coyote-shaped hole in something as he storms through it.

Speaking of Jens, he was in a breakaway last week, riding everyone off his wheel, going it alone for a fair way until he got swept up by the peloton mere kilometres from the finish.

This tweet from Samuel L Jackson? Okay, technically it wasn’t about The Jensie but it still makes sense, right? Wouldn’t it be great if SLJ started tweeting the Tour this year? (I feel a campaign coming on!)

Hey Mister, can I have my bike back?

Luxembourg looks so lovely on all those adverts that they air on Eurosport, doesn’t it? A safe, clean place to live in wealth and health, maybe an opportunity to go fishing in full cycling kit with the Schleck brothers? Well, now we know why they go fishing in their team kit – they probably had their bikes stole out from under them, like Paul Martens! Unbelievable!

Maybe they got away with the bike while all the spectators were being showered with champagne? (Great picture, though, isn’t it!)

That Bob Jungels – I’m going to start calling him Little Bobby Jungels as he looks about 12, doesn’t he? He doesn’t look old enough to drink champagne!

Catching some Zzzzzzs

The Zed Tour was really a sprinting tour, it seems. It had Cavendish, Greipel and Kittel – all beaten by one Theo Bos. This was his reaction.

This was Cav’s reaction.

This was Kittel’s reaction.

For those who don’t speak German, it translates to, well … starts with an S. Tell me, Marcel, do you speak to your mother with that mouth? (Says the woman who swears like a sailor.)

While Andre Greipel couldn’t say much of anything after visiting the Little Shop of Horrors!

Pure Fabianese

The Sacred Haunches™ himself did some press stuff in between riding up Swiss Alps and under deflated banners, including an interview over Twitter.

Pure Fabianese – “I woke up with the wrong leg”.

Unlike Paul Martens’ bike, we see here that Fabian’s leg was in fact returned. He has two again. Phew. I love that Danielle took a picture *just* of his haunches, *just* for me. (She said she got a very strange look from one of the soigneurs because of it. What a gal!)

If I’d only let Floyd ride!

Johan Bruyneel made a telling remark last week – it goes something like this: ‘If I’d given Floyd a contract when he came back from his doping ban, none of this would have had to happen.’ What did the Twitterati have? A field day.

The Gruppetto

Jan Ullrich breaks his silence to state the obvious.

That Boy Phinney answers those burning questions about peeing in a cup. (Oh, if it was burning, you’d need to see a doctor – wrong wording on that, huh.)

Before modelling his tan lines in his new swimming trunks.

David Millar questions the authenticity of his roommate’s remark, while we all marvel at his hair.

My Keisse Crush in a new hat. Ga toch fietsen put into Google translate comes out Why do not bikes. Obviously it was on the Fabianese setting.

Panache has been whipping up a little something in PhotoShop again (remember GiroRumble?). Uncanny.

Panache has also done a photoshoot. We have a deal – I go to races, buy him crazy-ass souvenirs and he poses in them. Last year, you may remember the Tour de France mankini look. (I believe it’s still in our Pictures section of our Facebook page). Well, when I went to the Giro, I got him a lovely proper cycling cap but also a Pantani pink bandana and one of those clapper things (which is obviously something ALL pirates have in their arsenal). It made my day but horrified others. (Rapha bibs: model’s own.)